Not the me I want to be

I’m living in my own future and it’s terrifying. The little girl I once was should not be in this position today. I shouldn’t be 31, single, living with my parents, working at a restaurant, figuring out life. I should have it together. I should be married, thinking about kids, building my career. I should be helping people and making a difference. I should be happy and healthy. Life should be beautiful. It doesn’t feel like any of those things right now. I feel more lonely than ever. I feel defeated. I feel overwhelmed. I feel inadequate to meet this challenge ahead of me.

Life. I never thought it would be such a struggle. I wanted my life to be like a happy little movie with a beginning, middle, and end. There would be one great romance that lasts a lifetime. There would be a balance of work and play, friends and family. I’m not living that life. Instead I’m living inside this horribly boring and somewhat tragic story about a girl who had the world at her feet and instead of rising to the occasion, she tumbled headfirst down a mountain and ended up sprawled out at the base wondering what the fuck just happened.

I guess there are only two places to go from here. I either stay sprawled out at the base of the mountain cursing the stars, or I get up. So I’m trying to get up. Not really sure where I’ll go or what I’ll do, but I’ve been laying sprawled at the base of the mountain for too long. It’s time to get up. I want to get up. I don’t want to lay here cursing the stars anymore. It hasn’t gotten me anywhere.

So I moved home to my parents’ house and am in therapy and just got a job at a restaurant. Moving home was like getting my bones put back into place and bandaged up. I’m like that person in a full body cast in a hospital with tiny holes cut out to see and breathe. I got up. I got bandaged up. But I still need to heal. And that takes time and effort. Instead of physical therapy I need spiritual and emotional therapy. Therapy is helping me eventually get out of the cast. The job maybe means I’m able to walk with crutches. Not ideal, but a good start. Eventually I’ll be running up that mountain. But for now I’m hobbling on crutches in a full body cast. It’s not pretty, and it’s definitely painful, but one day I will be whole again so I just need to take it day by day.

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